SPD

Okay so I'm feeling more than a little embarrassed and anxious - so I'm putting this all out here. I find it far easier to write things down than I do to talk about them and it will hopefully help me feel a little more confident / less silly.

So, during this pregnancy I have SPD / PGP which I've blogged a little about before. There's loads you can read about it so I won't go through all of it, but its basically all centred round your pelvis giving up somewhat and becoming unstable - affecting your hips / back / pelvis / kind of everywhere a bit. Some days it's totally fine and I am almost pain free. Some days not so much.

I've been going to the physio every few weeks for a little while and they have been really brilliant. We are so lucky to have such an ace NHS! We have been working on exercises and supports to improve the stability and it's been going really well for the most part.

Sometimes I am totally fine and sometimes I'm not. I'm working really hard to be fine more times than not, but sometimes I'm failing.

So I've had a run of a couple of good-ish weeks, with a few bad points. Totally fine and completely manageable. Until it wasn't again. I was booked in for physio yesterday anyway so I hobbled my way there, and had a little cry on the poor lady. I do not cry. It was embarrassing. I do not like not being in control.

Long story short - I have crutches right now. Along with another support belt to wear on top of the other one I've been wearing for a while under my clothes. This is the bit I'm struggling with - I can deal with it when it's not visible. When it's only visible to me I can get through work, then come home and have a cry and go to bed at 8pm.

I do not like the crutches. They make me feel self conscious; over dramatic and vulnerable. They make me feel like I am ill, when I don't feel sick, I'm just a bit broken in parts right now / today. They also make me feel like next week, when I'm hopefully going to be totally fine, people will think I'm being ridiculous.

I really struggled getting out the car with crutches this morning at school drop off. Not physically (although that wasn't great!) but emotionally psyching myself up to answering questions and being visible as someone who is struggling today. I am not good at being someone who is struggling. I am good at being someone who has their shit together. The thought of using them at work on Thursday makes me want to be sick, but maybe that won't be the case and I won't even need them on Thursday. Hopefully.

So I'm writing this to hopefully help me feel a little more in control! Yes I have crutches right now. I am super hopeful that I will get rid again in a few days, and be chasing round after the kids as normal. I am also paranoid that when that happens, everyone will be talking about me behind my back and how I didn't even need them to start off with. I feel like a fraud and an idiot, and that's whats making me feel so anxious.

But, I need the supports right now. Both the physical ones I've been given, and the support of all you lovely lot. I hopefully won't need the former for much longer.

xxx

Birth Story - Part 2

Okay, so I'd written Part 1 here, and I realised I'd only thought about writing Part 2, and never actually got round to it! So here it is. This may be part 2 of 3, depending on how fussy the baby is in the next half an hour...

At about 9am we arrived home from being checked at the hospital, back to our empty house. As I mentioned before it seemed quite surreal, as we knew everything was imminent yet it all seemed to be hours, days, even years away. I looked round the house and tidied and pottered, but failed to be able to imagine a tiny little person being brought back here!

I got in bed for a while, and listened to the hypnobirth CD a few times, and the birth affirmations mp3 which I found really helpful. Hypnobirth isn't about hypnotising yourself, just reassuring your body that you can do this, and trying to stay calm. I drifted in and out of sleep, listening to the tracks on repeat and trying to take it all in.

I got up and tried to nap on the sofa while Mitch played some PS3, but Lola joined me for a little cuddle and I occupied myself on the internet, browsing blogs and Babycentre. The thing that worried me most was being induced - I was determined to try and have as natural a birth as possible, and I knew that being induced the next morning increased my chances of having a longer labour, a harder labour, and increased my risk of interventions and drugs. I decided that after lunch, Operation Evict Baby must begin! The birth ball came down and I started bouncing.

Mitch headed out to find us some snacks for lunch, and to pack a few last minute hospital bag snacks. At this point, we still thought I'd be stuck at the hospital for hours / days in labour, and between us we'd pretty much packed a picnic! I also really fancied birthday cake for some reason, and what better day to have birthday cake then when you're going to give birth?!

While on the sofa I had a few tightenings, which I weren't sure if they were contractions or not. I had achey joints and an achey back, so decided to run a bath with some of the oils given to me by the midwife to naturally induce labour. I figured at the very least I'd have a lovely bath - nothing to lose there!! So we ran a lovely warm bath, and poured in the aromatherapy oils, they smelled lovely but I wasn't particularly convinced they would do anything.

Either by coincidence or science, as soon as I was in the bath my contractions started properly. This was about 2.30, I only know this from looking at the tags on the photos. At first they were just a little uncomfortable, and quite interesting to watch - I could see my stomach change shape and become harder as they happened. Then they became more uncomfortable. I listened to Rilo Kiley while Mitch sat and talked to me - with each contraction he poured water on my stomach as that seemed to help distract from the discomfort.

I spent an hour or so in the bath, then decided to get out and see if the contractions carried on or stopped. They carried on, so Mitch put on the TENS machine for me to give me something else to focus on. I have no concept of time at this point, but I think I spent the next few hours bouncing on the ball while we timed my contractions.

About 5pm, my mum came down to see us, and we decided that since my contractions were every 3 minutes apart we should head up to the hospital. Just me and Mitch headed up to be checked out, and I remember the car ride being hell. I was so used to being able to move and bounce and flex with contractions that being strapped down was a nightmare. This made me much more determined to try and avoid being induced, where I could end up be monitored and strapped down.

I was able to use my hypnobirth techniques to breathe and relax through the contractions, but they were now painful, and I was dreading each one. I was focused on the fact that each contraction was 1 closer to meeting baby, and 1 less I'd have to go through.

The midwife admitted me to a room and checked me over - I was only 2cm dilated (you have to be 10!). Gutted doesn't even describe how I felt, as pains were still coming every 3 minutes, lasting about 45 seconds. I kept apologising to the midwife, I felt like a complete wuss for coming in. She told me to come back the next morning to be induced if nothing more had happened, and just to try and get some sleep.

Feeling a bit down, we headed to my mums and passed on the news. I'd resigned myself to being in it for the long haul, so I tried to eat some tea. As the contractions got worse, I became quieter and more focused on relaxing. With each contraction I counted, knowing that by the time I got to 100 I wouldn't be in pain any more. I breathed with the counting, and made sure my hands and face were relaxed.

I couldn't cope with people talking and being around me any more, so we headed for home, probably about 7ish. From here to the actual birth everything is sort of a blur to me.

Right, Alice is crying so I'll leave it there for now! Part 3 to follow some time in the next week. Promise.

With love and light xo

Birth Story - Part 1

So I've sat down to try and begin this many times over the past 3 weeks, and each time I'm not really sure where to start or what to write! Then a baby cries and I just end up leaving it for another day. However - the midwife came yesterday and took away my purple book that had all the details and notes in (they file it up at the hospital) so I realised I have to write things down now before I forget - especially as I now don't have that to remind me! So, it may not be the most eloquent entry in the world, but here's Part 1 of of Alice's birth...

The photo below was taken a few days before she was born, and is the last one taken of me pregnant, as I was painting the rocking chair in the garden! At this stage I couldn't really get up on my own, and felt a bit like the size of a house.

As I'd written in here, I'd not had any twinges or tightenings or pain beforehand. I think I had a few Braxton Hicks but even now I couldn't be sure they weren't strong kicks or her stretching -I certainly hadn't felt anything painful.

The day before her due date I went to lunch with Peter and Chloe and didn't really do a lot else - a little tidying and nesting but nothing out of the ordinary! I pretty much expected her to be late like most first babies are, so I wasn't expecting anything for a week or so. Everything was ready at home, I'd finally bought the last few bits and pieces, and Lola had returned from going missing. I was ready for a baby now.

Mitch was working late so came home at 10ish to me crashed out on the sofa, so we got ready for bed and stayed up talking a little about the baby. We talked about names again, and how baby should come tomorrow to show everyone how well behaved she was. Infact I wrote-

"Due date today. Feel free to be punctual baby :)

2:59 AM Apr 14th via Twitter for iPhone"

I did my usual third trimester routine of being awake for a few hours, then eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up at 5.30, then I felt something. It wasn't the big gush I'd seen in films, but I felt like I'd wet myself a little! I waited a few minutes, then when I was sure nudged Mitchell to tell him and wake him up. I felt so many things - excited, nervous, unsure, anxious.

I stumbled to the bathroom to sort myself out a little, then got back into bed. We stayed up a little chatting and I suggested we try and get a little more sleep, baby showing up could still take days! Mitch went back to sleep but I was far too excited - I wrote this blog entry which I decided not to post just yet:

"So my waters have broken! Not in a spectacular fashion unfortunately, but enough for me to be sure I haven't peed myself ;). Currently laying in bed trying to get some rest before anything else happens, but obviously far too excited! Not had any contractions or tightenings yet, but will call the labour ward in a few hours just to let them know.

Currently feeling - nervous...excited? Maybe anticipation? This completely just feels like the calm before the storm - I obviously knew this was going to happen eventually but seems a little more real now! I'm just hoping and praying for an uncomplicated birth, and a healthy beautiful little girl at the end :)

Could be days, could be this afternoon. At least baby has made a little effort on her due date!!

Wish me luck I suppose! Or break a leg or something?"

April 14th 5.45am

I gave up on sleeping just after 6, and got up and put the news on. I made some breakfast and just pottered round the house a little. I think I straightened my hair? I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time! I rung the labour ward as my waters had gone and they told me to come in just to be checked over. So about 7.30 we headed up to hospital.

I think at this point I also called my mum and let her know something was happening. I debated putting it on Twitter but kind of just wanted to be left to my own devices for a while!

I wasn't scared - more excited! I kept having to remind myself it could be days but I also somehow thought it wouldn't be.

We got to the hospital and went in a tiny room where they strapped me to a monitor and checked babies heartbeat / my heartbeat and detected if I was having any contractions. I had a few but could barely feel them, just a slight tightening that I barely noticed unless I was looking at the readings. We agreed an induction time of the next day, which I was desperate to avoid, and I was booked in for 11am.

A lovely midwife made me some aromatherapy oils to try and kick the contractions off naturally, and she gave me a few doses of these to put in the bath at home.

After about 30 minutes of monitoring we were sent on our way, and I was determined to get things started without needing induction! So that was how we spent our day...

Part 2 Soon - promise!

With love and light xo

34+6 - GTT done!

I've just got back from my glucose tolerance test at the hospital, and nothing to report yet! Will get a phonecall tomorrow if there's anything in my results that would indicate gestational diabetes, if not I'll receive a letter over the next few days. So, fingers crossed for no phonecall?

I ate some toast first thing at 7, and I was only able to sip water afterwards until my hospital appointment. I had some blood taken, then had to chug a pint of Lucozade, which I have never drunk before, and it is gross! Why would anyone ever drink such vile stuff?! Then had to go back a few hours later and have some more blood taken.

However on the positive side, a midwife saw me about half way through my wait, and gave me a quick check up. Baby is still lying head down, and is apparently 4/5 engaged! However she must be a good girl and stay in there for a little while longer as I'm not quite ready and have a few things left to do at work / teacher training :).

The midwife also shed a little light on the pain I've been feeling in the middle of my chest, just under my breastbone. Apparently it's your stomach muscles starting to pull apart - lush!

A combination of these things has led me to put a few things in a hospital bag, although I've ended up with one for me and one for baby - I had no idea how much stuff you had to take! I'm sure I'll unpack and repack about amillion times over the next few weeks, but at least I have one for now :).

Hope all my lovely pregnant and none pregnant friends are well, and good luck to KQ with her 20 week scan tomorrow, hope baby co-operates and flashes their bits!

With love and light xo