Okay so I'm feeling more than a little embarrassed and anxious - so I'm putting this all out here. I find it far easier to write things down than I do to talk about them and it will hopefully help me feel a little more confident / less silly.
So, during this pregnancy I have SPD / PGP which I've blogged a little about before. There's loads you can read about it so I won't go through all of it, but its basically all centred round your pelvis giving up somewhat and becoming unstable - affecting your hips / back / pelvis / kind of everywhere a bit. Some days it's totally fine and I am almost pain free. Some days not so much.
I've been going to the physio every few weeks for a little while and they have been really brilliant. We are so lucky to have such an ace NHS! We have been working on exercises and supports to improve the stability and it's been going really well for the most part.
Sometimes I am totally fine and sometimes I'm not. I'm working really hard to be fine more times than not, but sometimes I'm failing.
So I've had a run of a couple of good-ish weeks, with a few bad points. Totally fine and completely manageable. Until it wasn't again. I was booked in for physio yesterday anyway so I hobbled my way there, and had a little cry on the poor lady. I do not cry. It was embarrassing. I do not like not being in control.
Long story short - I have crutches right now. Along with another support belt to wear on top of the other one I've been wearing for a while under my clothes. This is the bit I'm struggling with - I can deal with it when it's not visible. When it's only visible to me I can get through work, then come home and have a cry and go to bed at 8pm.
I do not like the crutches. They make me feel self conscious; over dramatic and vulnerable. They make me feel like I am ill, when I don't feel sick, I'm just a bit broken in parts right now / today. They also make me feel like next week, when I'm hopefully going to be totally fine, people will think I'm being ridiculous.
I really struggled getting out the car with crutches this morning at school drop off. Not physically (although that wasn't great!) but emotionally psyching myself up to answering questions and being visible as someone who is struggling today. I am not good at being someone who is struggling. I am good at being someone who has their shit together. The thought of using them at work on Thursday makes me want to be sick, but maybe that won't be the case and I won't even need them on Thursday. Hopefully.
So I'm writing this to hopefully help me feel a little more in control! Yes I have crutches right now. I am super hopeful that I will get rid again in a few days, and be chasing round after the kids as normal. I am also paranoid that when that happens, everyone will be talking about me behind my back and how I didn't even need them to start off with. I feel like a fraud and an idiot, and that's whats making me feel so anxious.
But, I need the supports right now. Both the physical ones I've been given, and the support of all you lovely lot. I hopefully won't need the former for much longer.