Monday, 20 June 2016

36+4 - Best thing to do when pregnant? Remodel your house.

Haven't updated for a while because it's all been a bit mental here!

This all began around 6 months ago when we talked about the possibility of getting a log burner. We've been thinking about it for a few years but I was adamant that in the small living room it would be stifling and pointless. Since Christmas this kind of progressed into knocking out a wall to make our dining room / kitchen merge, as the dining room before was a bit of a dead space.

To me, it's really important we have a table to sit and eat as a family as regularly as possible. In my head it's a time to sit around and talk about our days and have family time - although at the moment it's normally a bit of a battle ground between us vs. children. Still - perseverance is key and I'm adamant it's going to pay off! But other than that the dining room was basically just a corridor between the kitchen and living room.

This evolved into the idea of also having double doors into the garden so the kids can run round safely while I can still see them and do a few bits in the house. Especially with us having the baby so I'm going to be a little torn between the 3 of them.

Before -

 

The only time my brother could book us in was the past 2 weeks, or when the baby came. We decided the disruption was far better off in pregnancy than with a newborn, so that's what we did! We still have stuff left to do - painting the fresh plaster and putting up shelves / storage etc., but we are mostly done now. I'd like to say I've been super chilled and relaxed about the whole affair, but that would be a complete lie. I have cried and sulked and not slept and generally been a bit rubbish - but I can honestly say now it's coming together it was totally worth it.

During -

 


The house is more open, and there's so much more light. The kids have more room to play and run round, and they can go in the garden safely. We swapped the living room / dining room round so we sit so much further back from the road. It's just lovely and I'm so glad we did it. By we I mean all the other people while I've mostly just sat around and cried.

After - ish!

 


One thing we didn't anticipate which has made things a bit trickier is my SPD. I'm not going to dwell on it too much as I don't want to be negative, but it's rubbish. I can't really sleep; my walking speed is that of an injured snail; and I can't do lots of the things I feel I should be able to. It hurts and it's frustrating and I just want to be able to do everything and I can't.

I've had to finish work earlier than I'd planned to, as I was just coming home every evening unable to climb the stairs without crying; or having to work myself up to getting out the car as it hurt too much. I'm still struggling, but at home at least I'm able to get in more supportive positions, and I'm trying to lie down every day when Violet naps for an hour. I feel like I'm the least fun mum in the world at the moment, and I can't be who the girls deserve, and that sucks the most. But - not forever hopefully! Onwards and forwards - people have it much worse than I do.

Baby wise - I am 37 weeks on Thursday. I am not at all sorted. Everything has been so house focused but I'm hoping this is going to start to wind down this week and I can start sorting baby things! To be fair, we have bought most of the things; they're just in a massive pile in the cot and I'd like to have a sort out.



This week I need to get the birth pool out and inflate and check for punctures etc. I need to get a few more home birth bits and just get everything together. I think the idea of it all is a bit abstract at the moment - I'm hoping when I've sorted through those bits I start to feel a bit more prepared and focused and I can shift some mental energy onto the fact we will have another baby soon, as even typing that sentence out feels a little bit strange!

Alice has predicted the 1st July and completely refuses to deviate from this date. She was having a conversation with the baby earlier via my belly button, and apparently the baby was saying she is definitely coming on the 1st July and she is going to buy Alice a present. The girls also decided between them that the baby needs a birthday cake when she is born, but they will eat it for her.

The midwife is coming to the house on Wednesday to go through birth plan / home birth stuff. I was stressing about the plaster on the walls but I've decided she must have seen worse!

Alice is ridiculously excited and keeps talking about it. Violet has very much decided to ignore it, but either coincidentally or not has definitely started the "terrible twos" complete with shouting, tantrums and foot stamping this past few weeks. It's going to be a big transition for everyone and I'm just hoping we all make it through the other side!

We have had a few weeks nappy free though - potty trained Violet day and night! I can take 0 credit for it - we've been trying on and off for months and getting nowhere, and I thought I'd give it a proper go over half term. She just decided that the potty was now acceptable and just did it, and then refused to wear nappies at night either! So for this brief few weeks I am nappy free for the first time in 5 years!

Sorry this has been quite long and dull - basically there's nothing to report other than I crazily decided to rip my house apart at 8 months pregnant and I am the size of a small house! Hoping for a more restful few weeks before baby decides to make an arrival!

With love and light xo

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

SPD

Okay so I'm feeling more than a little embarrassed and anxious - so I'm putting this all out here. I find it far easier to write things down than I do to talk about them and it will hopefully help me feel a little more confident / less silly.

So, during this pregnancy I have SPD / PGP which I've blogged a little about before. There's loads you can read about it so I won't go through all of it, but its basically all centred round your pelvis giving up somewhat and becoming unstable - affecting your hips / back / pelvis / kind of everywhere a bit. Some days it's totally fine and I am almost pain free. Some days not so much.

I've been going to the physio every few weeks for a little while and they have been really brilliant. We are so lucky to have such an ace NHS! We have been working on exercises and supports to improve the stability and it's been going really well for the most part.

Sometimes I am totally fine and sometimes I'm not. I'm working really hard to be fine more times than not, but sometimes I'm failing.

So I've had a run of a couple of good-ish weeks, with a few bad points. Totally fine and completely manageable. Until it wasn't again. I was booked in for physio yesterday anyway so I hobbled my way there, and had a little cry on the poor lady. I do not cry. It was embarrassing. I do not like not being in control.

Long story short - I have crutches right now. Along with another support belt to wear on top of the other one I've been wearing for a while under my clothes. This is the bit I'm struggling with - I can deal with it when it's not visible. When it's only visible to me I can get through work, then come home and have a cry and go to bed at 8pm.

I do not like the crutches. They make me feel self conscious; over dramatic and vulnerable. They make me feel like I am ill, when I don't feel sick, I'm just a bit broken in parts right now / today. They also make me feel like next week, when I'm hopefully going to be totally fine, people will think I'm being ridiculous.

I really struggled getting out the car with crutches this morning at school drop off. Not physically (although that wasn't great!) but emotionally psyching myself up to answering questions and being visible as someone who is struggling today. I am not good at being someone who is struggling. I am good at being someone who has their shit together. The thought of using them at work on Thursday makes me want to be sick, but maybe that won't be the case and I won't even need them on Thursday. Hopefully.

So I'm writing this to hopefully help me feel a little more in control! Yes I have crutches right now. I am super hopeful that I will get rid again in a few days, and be chasing round after the kids as normal. I am also paranoid that when that happens, everyone will be talking about me behind my back and how I didn't even need them to start off with. I feel like a fraud and an idiot, and that's whats making me feel so anxious.

But, I need the supports right now. Both the physical ones I've been given, and the support of all you lovely lot. I hopefully won't need the former for much longer.

xxx

Friday, 15 April 2016

Dear Violet - 2 and half

Dear Violet

You are just over 2 and a half.

I just spent a while looking through Alice’s entries for the same age- and you guys are just so different. I guess by now Alice already had a baby sister, so was going through a lot of change and upheaval, but you are just the chillest little person in the entire world. Your personalities have always been different, but you completely complement each other. You spend your whole time just going with the flow, and as long as you have food you’re happy.

You have the cheekiest face, and you like to point out to everyone that you're a little monkey! You jump from chair to chair, or climb into the window ledges, or roll off the coffee table pretty much constantly. You never sit still for long, and you just like to run round in circles. You scream “chase me chase me” and then pretend to cry till Alice rescues you from your capture.


You like doing anything that Alice is doing, but get bored a lot quicker. Your colouring is getting much better – you can choose which part of the picture you want which colour and love asking me to pick the colours out for you. You know all the colours now, and can count to 20-ish although sometimes have a bit of a wander off in the middle.

You completely dote on Mitch. Whereas Alice will always snuggle up to me and give me cuddles, your kisses are pretty much entirely reserved for daddy unless I have a biscuit to swap for them. You love fighting and tickling and playing rough with daddy, but that just means when I do occasionally get some kisses they are extra special.

It’s hard for me to separate you from Alice when I think about you - you’re so tangled up together and you share a room, clothes (not on purpose but you just help yourself to Alice’s a lot of the time), toys and books. You completely dote on your big sister and no one makes you happier than she does. Apart from when you hate each other and hit each other. But most of the time you’re pretty ace together.


We’ve been going to the hospital with your eyes regularly, and we’ve just started patching to hopefully correct the weaker eye. You weren't a huge fan but you’re kind of getting used to it now. You call it your pirate patch and as long as you’re distracted we can normally get the 2 hours a day in somewhere.

You still love food - especially meat. Your favourites are bacon, ham and sausage. We always joke that between you and Alice you can eat a whole meal but it’s completely true – on a Sunday dinner Alice will eat veg and yorkshires and you will eat meat and maybe mash when the meat stops coming. You cannot be talked to when we’re at the table as you’re too busy eating, and it’s such a contrast to the constant mealtime battle we used to have with Alice!

  

When you’re at home you've still been napping, although that’s kind of gone off course a little over the past few weeks while weave been on holiday. I love your nap - please continue napping till your like 30. Everyone loves a nap right?

Weave been attempting potty training every few weeks, and other than a few successes you aren't a fan. You generally just scream and cry and refuse to even entertain the idea. I don’t want to force you and make it traumatic for everyone, so we’ll keep pushing through and hopefully get there soon.


You had the best time ever on holiday. I didn't know if it would be too loud or too much for you, but you just couldn't get enough of the discos every night. You played musical bumps, entered all the competitions, sang (a bit) in the talent show, and just loved it. I think by the end of the week Alice was getting tired, but you could have kept on going for another week. All the bigger girls completely fell in love with you and were fighting over who could look after you every evening, and you obviously completely lapped up all the attention!

You’re not super sure about this baby lark. You talk to the baby a bit like Alice does, but I’m not sure how much you get it. But I’m sure you will approach it with your happy smile, cheeky face, and probably draw a moustache on her and deny it.

Love you pudding!


With love and light xo

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Dear Alice - 5!


Dear Alice

Tomorrow you will be 5.

I never really thought we would get this far. I mean, I guess I knew that you reaching the age of 5 was going to happen eventually, but I could just only picture it in some sort of abstract sense, like one day I will be able to go for a wee without an audience. But when you were born, and when you were my tiny Alice, I could never quite picture that one day you would be this incredible little person with opinions and a sense of humour and emotions and feelings.

5 is my favourite. Even though you’re not quite 5 yet I’ve decided already that I want to stop you exactly where you are now and not let you get any bigger. I told you this last night, and you rolled your eyes at me and told me that if I did that you wouldn’t get a birthday cake next year and that wasn’t okay. I tried to reason that I’d just buy you a cake and you could stay 5 but your exact phrase was - “Mummy. Don’t be silly. I will keep growing for the next hundred years and then I will be older than you but I will still give you kisses.”


You are just so big now. Physically and mentally, you just seem so grown up this past few months. I don’t know if it’s being pregnant, or seeing Violet grow up, or something else - but you just seem so huge to me. You’re all legs and arms and you’re not quite sure what to do with them. All your trousers fall down because you’re just so long! You are sometimes dainty and graceful, and sometimes you look like you’re not quite sure where your legs end.

We just switched all your clothes over and it has been such a faff! You have such a specific idea about what you want to wear and what you are never going to wear ever. It just isn’t worth the battle with you, so I order loads online and let you pick what you want / send the rest back. You then insist on picking your outfits every morning, which often ends with us going to Tesco with you in a tutu and wellies. I quite like it though – I like that you have a sense of independence and an opinion, so I can’t moan too much. Also girls clothes shopping is fun.

You have just come on so so much at school. Last term you won a merit prize for getting the most merits that term, and your prize was watching a film and having sweets and hot dogs with the head teacher. I had no idea you were even getting merits at school - so it’s always nice to know you’re doing well! I get literally no information from you about what goes on at school, but it’s obviously done you the world of good. You have come on so much with sharing, kindness, patience and empathy; alongside all the academic stuff as well. The academic stuff is ace, but I’m the most proud when you tell me you got merits for being supportive, or taking another student and trying to cheer them up.

 

You are absolutely flying through reading. Considering 6 months ago you could sound out basic words, you can now read pretty much anything. You sound anything out you aren’t sure of, but will quite happily sit and read Violet a book now. Because of your reading, it seems to have opened up this whole new world to you, of questions to ask and answers to find out. “Mummy – Why does that sign say drive carefully? Why does the TV say signal input required? What’s a speed limit?” I love how inquisitive you are. I need to remind myself that when I’m explaining road signs at 7am!

You can count to 100 and beyond, and love learning how to add up and take away. However it does mean I can no longer trick you with the number of mini eggs I have eaten.

Your personality has just grown and changed and you are growing and changing every day with all this confidence and kindness. We just came back from holiday, where you signed yourself up for a talent show telling jokes. You wouldn’t tell me the joke beforehand which was slightly disconcerting but you were ace. You danced and played games, and your favourite part of the holiday was the 2p machines apparently. You won some key rings which you shared with Violet, and most of the time you show nothing but kindness and empathy.



You can be a bit of a sensitive soul / mardy grump depending on whether you ask me or Mitch. Things upset you easily, and you can’t handle what you deem as not fair. Lots of things aren’t fair unfortunately, and I find myself repeating the standard parenting response - "Life’s not fair”. You can take a bit of coaxing and calming down over some things, and you get anxious and worried about things. Given the choice, you would stay at home with me all day every day.

You write little sentences and stories round the house, which don’t have any spaces in so generally need reading phonetically and the gaps need putting in to make sense. You sneak love notes into you boyfriends (boyfriend, I know!) bag and if I leave a shopping list around the house you will always add a few items. Normally cake.

You are incredibly kind and beautiful inside and out - you are hard work but you are my favourite Alice in the world.

With love and light xo

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

26+5 - Pregnancy Update


Baby update time I suppose! 26+5 today, or around 6 months pregnant-ish as I’ve taken to telling people. I am massive. People feel the need to stop me in the supermarket and ask me if I’m due in the next few weeks or to see how many babies I’m going to have in this litter. This makes me feel so great about myself! In all seriousness though I’m massive. I’ve gained ridiculous amounts of weight, and although I feel incredibly blessed to have a healthy, lovely third baby growing, I do feel a bit like a whale already.

This is completely unfeminist / a bit gross of me, but I’ve already started to be anxious about how I’m going to look after. I feel like I managed to get to where I wanted to be health and body wise after 2, but 3 is completely pushing it right? I know all the things I’m supposed to say – 9 months on, nice months off etc. Andddd I’d rather have a ruined body and 3 beautiful girls. But, can I not just ask for both? And also to be able to eat all the biscuits all the time?

SPD wise – much of a muchness! I’ve been to physio a few times and got lots of exercises, support bands and things to do / not to do etc. I’m good at the exercises, but not good at following the “don’t do these things” advice apparently. Mitch assures me I’m a rubbish patient, but I just get anxious if things aren’t clean or sorted or organised. We did a big blitz on the house and garden at the weekend, with loads left to do but at least we’ve made a start. I need to start clearing the loft out and sorting out what we have / haven’t got. In short, hurting is rubbish and I’ve become super boring going to bed at 8pm every night with painkillers and a hot water bottle. Still, I’ve caught up on Grey’s Anatomy so lets look at the positives here!


I’ve started buying a few bits as I feel incredibly unorganised, and I need to clear out a drawer or 2 to shove the baby clothes in. I’ve started at least trying to round up the baby paraphernalia from it’s various places around the house and check what I need and make a list. A list always makes me feel better – it focuses my mind and I like putting ticks on things. I always add things to the list that I’ve already done so I can feel semi productive.

After much debate we bought a second hand double pushchair for the school run / longer journeys. Although Violet is more than capable of walking distances, it just depends if she decides that she wants to or not or if she just runs in random directions. We bought an Oyster Max, and I've just ordered a second hand carrycot for it too. The other pushchair is still ace so we'll probably keep that for when we want a single but nice to have the option.

Baby wise – there’s not much to tell! She is kicking up a storm which is always lovely, until the end when it’s not. We have reached the point where Mitch can no longer touch my stomach as it reminds him of the scene from Alien and makes him feel a bit sick. Alice loves touching the baby and singing songs to her, and she thinks my belly button is some sort of microphone extending into my uterus. I haven’t discouraged this belief.

She keeps telling me all the nice things she’s going to do with the baby, and how excited she is. She tells me that when the baby cries it means she is hungry and I must feed her and not to worry about Violet (or Vi as Alice calls her) as they will read books together on the sofa. Alice says we must make room in the bath for the baby and make sure she’s wrapped up lovely and warm when they get out the bath, unless the baby poos in which case everyone must jump out quickly. I’m not na├»ve enough to think that Alice will feel the same when baby is here, but it’s so lovely to have my big girl to share this all with.

Violet is mostly indifferent. I think she’s slightly concerned the baby will steal her dinner.

Alice would like to call the baby Rainbow Heart, and we’ve had a few little chats about how Rainbow is a lovely name but not quite for us. She has now compromised on the first name, but is adamant that Heart is a perfectly acceptable middle name.

 

Both girls are in agreement with the name we’ve chosen, and like to sing to her and talk to her. They both like looking at baby toys and clothes and would quite happily spend a small fortune on tiny things that are pink. Only pink though – if I suggest something else they both act completely outraged that I would ever consider placing a girl in something else.

This pregnancy is going incredibly fast. Honestly, if I could pause it and just soak up another year of being pregnant and spending time with my big girls then I would. But, I know we planned this gap for a reason. The girls are just absolute best friends now and just play together so beautifully. They make my life easier in that they like similar things; watch the same films; want to go to the same places. I know much bigger of a gap wouldn’t have worked for us, but at the same time I just want to soak up all the time I can with my favourite 2 people in the world.

In the same breath, I’m also incredibly excited to meet the next little piece to our puzzle, and see how they fit in to our already mental life. I’m looking forward to tiny baby snuggles, milky breath, soft hair, finger squeezes and us all getting to know each other. I’m apprehensive about lots of things, but overwhelmingly just excited.

With love and light xo

Monday, 14 March 2016

22 Weeks Pregnant

Urgh. I haven't wanted to write as I haven't wanted to moan. I like to be able to fill this space with sunshine and happiness and magical children. But that's not really where we're at right now.

As always, magical preface to say I know how lucky I am. I get it. We're lucky. I really honestly do. But, I'm struggling a little at the moment.

I'm hurting and sore and as a consequence not sleeping. It's been getting worse, until I went to the doctors a few weeks ago after I had a really bad week.

The GP has diagnosed symphysis pubis dysfunction, or SPD. I'm hoping this isn't the case, and I'm pinning my hopes on it magically disappearing, but at the moment I think I'm being a bit ridiculous and need to be realistic.

I can walk and potter and do my normal bits and pieces, but by the afternoon I hurt. Not a little bit achey, like I could cry at my desk. I want to hobble home and go to bed. I've had a few days where it's been a lot worse and I've struggled. And I do not like struggling - I like being super pregnant woman and mowing lawns and running round and basically doing everything. And my body is currently saying no, and I'm finding that difficult.

I am mostly fine some days, but some days I'm in quite a lot of pain. I'm struggling with getting my head round this a bit, as it's difficult to realise it isn't going to go away and is most likely going to get worse.

I'm not good at asking for help, and I'm not good at taking it easy; so we'll see where this goes.

I have an appointment with the obstetric physiotherapist on Thursday to hopefully get a bit more advice and confirm what it is. In my head I'm terrified of 2 things - 1. It all being in my head and them basically telling me to suck it up and I'm being pathetic. Or 2. It being SPD and them basically confirming it's going to get worse until delivery. So we will see! Ideally option number 3 would be here - lets fix it. You're now totally fine - hurrah!

So - positive things. Nothing is wrong with the baby. I am healthy and fit a well and it's only pain. I am very lucky to be here anyway. Please remind me of all these things regularly.


Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Dear Violet, Alice,and I guess extra baby?!

So it’s been forever and ever since I updated this as usual.

I feel like every time I blink something has changed and the girls are so much bigger and they are changing and growing and all I really want is to freeze this time where they are so little and I can keep them safe and I know exactly where they are all the time!


Little Violet,

I mentioned in the last post that your speech had finally started to develop - well now your speech is so much better! We have little sentences and you are so funny and know exactly what you want. “No mummy don’t silly”, and “Course I can” make me smile. You have a very Can Do attitude to anything I ask. Can you put this in the bin for me baby? “Course I can”. I think one of your hobbies is probably cleaning and tidying and putting things away. I have to hand you the items individually so you can put them in the bin.

We went to the hospital with your eye and you were actually amazing. Your vision is super poor and you need strong glasses, but you’ve massively took it in your stride. When we went to pick the glasses up you threw them on the floor and tried to stomp on them, so I thought we were in for a right battle. However since day 2 you’ve just realised you can see so much better with them and we never have a battle putting them on. They are super cute purple sparkly frozen ones and you look perfect in them. You’ve been back to hospital since and have been less impressed with the ophthalmologist trying to test you!


You still sleep super well – and still need a little nap in the day. We had a day last week where you missed the nap and were absolutely horrid for the rest of the day, so naps are hopefully around for the time being. You have never ever tried to get out of bed at night time, which is such a contrast to Alice! Soon you are (hopefully) going to start sharing a room with your sister in the bottom bunk and I’m really hoping that won’t affect your lovely sleep!

We’ve had a couple of false starts and attempts with potty training. You aren’t a fan at the moment and I’m trying not to push it. You pooed on the floor next to the potty so I put it in the potty and cheered and you were inconsolable for about 20 minutes. You like sitting on the potty and asking for a smartie and that’s as interested as you get. Alice now asks for a smartie when she goes to the toilet too, and I’m having to disappoint her that it can’t happen as a grown up!



You are so incredibly physical! You love jumping and climbing and getting yourself into danger. Over Christmas we went to Sherwood Pines and you were really in your element – you’re so strong and good at ladders and climbing and you show literally 0 fear. You love jumping and running round. I need to make more of an effort to take you swimming as we’ve not been in forever and I bet you would love it.

You still love to potter and play nicely – you like Happyland and Peppa Pig toys and making them all play and talk to each other. Your farm animals all make noises then they have to go inside the barn when it’s raining and you’re just so independent with it.



Everyone always comments on how sweet natured and lovely you are and it’s so true – but you’ve definitely started terrible 2’s and showing us when you’re unhappy. You stomp your feet and cry and throw things. When you cry your tears get trapped in your glasses and it’s the saddest thing in the world!


My Alice Palace,

You are so grown up now. I literally would freeze you at this age forever and keep you in my pocket. Last night I wasn’t feeling great after work so I had a bath and you asked if you could sit with me and help. You washed my hair, scrubbed my back, stroked my tummy then told me stories. I could have cried. You kept asking what else you could do to help and it just made me appreciate what a sweet, lovely little girl you are now.

You can now read and it’s just amazing! It’s just like it’s clicked all of a sudden and you are reading and spelling things out constantly. You read your school book to me and Violet most nights and I can practically hear the cogs whizzing when you get to a word where you’re stuck and sounding it out. The other day we went to nannys and granddads and their TV wasn’t working – you pointed at the screen and said “does that say communicating with networks”. It did.



You were an angel in your school nativity and it’s one of the best things I have ever seen in my life. You were a real Kate Bush angel and you stood on your own pretty much dancing up a storm and singing to yourself. You cried when I left and it was the saddest angel in the world!

However, alongside being super sweet you have definitely mastered the eye roll / sass! We have loooads less tantrums than we did, but you love to roll your eyes and sigh dramatically at me like I am the worst person in the world. It’s so difficult not to laugh when you’re having a total drama melt down because I brought the wrong pyjamas but it happens much less frequently now and on the whole you’re pretty reasonable.


At night time I take you upstairs and lie with you for 5 minutes and you tell me about your day. You tell me if you’re scared or happy or what happened at school and I could snuggle up to you forever. Slight problem in that I pretty much nearly fall asleep most nights but hey! I don’t think I’ll fit in your top bunk so I’ll miss the snuggles, although I do envision some sneaky stair climbing when I inevitably do try and sneak out the top of your bunk bed.

You’ve finally stopped with the 5.30 get ups, and I’m hoping 6.30 has settled down a bit. We’ve bribed you for a while and you can now play iPad for 30 mins in the morning if you have your uniform on, and I honestly couldn’t care if that’s awful parenting but we all neeeeed to not be getting up before 6am!



So – both of you. We’ve obviously looked at our lives and decided we are getting far too much sleep and life is far too simple (ha!) and decided to have another baby! I am well aware this is mental, but I love you guys so much that I can’t imagine not sharing all the love with have with just one more little person.



Violet has absolutely no idea what’s going on. If you ask what’s in mummy’s tummy she says “sister” but that’s about it. But Alice is so incredibly aware and asks about it most days. When she snuggles up to me at night she asks how baby is and tries to talk to them! However the slight issue is that Alice doesn’t want a brother. Like she’s not mentioned it in passing – every day. She refuses to entertain the idea that this baby might be a boy. If you say it might be a boy, she just replied “it might be a girl.” I’ve read books, looked at pictures, looked through names with her, and she just refuses to believe it might be a boy.

We said to Alice if it’s a boy we can go shopping and buy some toys or clothes. “Mummy if it’s a boy I won’t buy it anything or play with it or love it.” Woops!

So, this is my excuse for buying an early scan off Groupon – and I’m taking Alice with me! I’m hoping seeing the baby might soften the blow a little bit and she can maybe bond a little? Here’s the plan! Plus it’s just an excuse and I’m desperate to know!

Everyone knows and has had to for quite a while. Mostly because even though I’m 13 weeks I’m the size of a 6 month pregnant lady, and secondly we had a bit of drama at the beginning with bleeding and scans etc. so had to tell a few more people. Here’s hoping for a drama free next 6 months.

I am tired and achey but I know I’m incredibly lucky. My sickness has hopefully stopped for a while, and I'd reeeally like it if that stayed away as I was super miserable. I’d like to try and blog a bit more through the pregnancy again but I’ll probably post again in 6 months time when baby is here. Oh well!


With love and light xo

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Dear Alice and Violet - 4 1/2 and 2

My little Violet, who is now 2 and no longer my baby Violet (sob!)

Your speech has suddenly blossomed, from the occasional yes or no, to lovely little phrases. Not quite sentences, but you can completely get your point across and you are so sweet with it! “Mummy dink pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!”. You can finally say Alice, after ages of just calling her “Lilet” she is now “A-iss” and you shout her constantly.

We’ve moved you into a big girl bed, which (touch wood) has been a surprisingly none event. I was dreading doing it, as we had such a nightmare with Alice and naptimes with it, but you’ve just took it with your usual laid back attitude and it’s not even occurred to you to be an issue.

A few weeks ago you woke up one morning with a lazy eye. After a bit of a battle with the doctors, who were a bit useless, we have got an appointment for you at paediatric ophthalmology to get it looked at. I am not looking forward to this at all – you’ll need eye drops to dilate your pupils and I can’t see you being a fan. I’m hoping it’s all nothing to be worried about and just glasses and perhaps patching needed.

You aren’t a great fan of being constrained, and want to walk everywhere. This is totally fine, until you take about 3 hours to do the school run! When strapped in the pushchair you scream and scream until I give you a banana and then suddenly everything is totally fine all over again.

You’re settling in really well at the childminders after a few weeks of tears at drop off. Most mornings you ask if we’re going there, although you do struggle with the long days and are a grump by 6. I think we’re all struggling with the long days a bit at the moment but it is what it is!

Everyone who meets you – health visitors or ladies in the street, comment on how lovely and smily you are. You obviously have your moments, but you are an absolute sunshine and cheer everyone up. You also now think trumps are hilarious.

Alice Palace – what can I say about you at the moment.

You and Violet are becoming closer and closer and it’s amazing to see. In the morning you run up the stairs to fetch Violet, knock on her door, and greet her with a huge “Morning my little sister!”. At naptime you tuck her in and sing her a song, breakfast time you pull faces at each other and swap toast when I’m not looking, you snuggle up with books and steal each others clothes.

You’ve started school, and you are brilliant. You thrive there like I knew you would, but we still have a moan most mornings about going. We had our first parents evening and the teacher was full of plenty of praise – especially for your writing. I have no idea what you do at school because the only thing you normally tell me is what you had for pudding.

You have been writing phonetically and spelling phrases out and it’s wonderful to see what you’re thinking! Although you did write “Alice” on the table and try to blame it on your sister. Then the cat. Then me.

You tell jokes and you lie and you spin stories and you are genuinely hilarious to be around. You make me laugh and you tell me to hold your hand if I’m scared (when you’re scared) and you cuddle me and make me so happy. Apart from when you’re not, and you can still be very difficult. You can whine and grump and stomp and strop like the best of them! You are very much the little girl with the little curl in the middle of her forehead, who can sometimes be very very good…

We’re still on the mostly 5.30 get ups, but you know you have to stay in your room till 6. It’s a work in progress. I’m not convinced you will ever be a sleeper but that’s just how you are!

It’s difficult to write these about you separately now as you are very much just my girls! You are so incredibly different – absolute polar opposites of each other, but you both make me smile and I am very lucky. Alice would call me a very lucky duck.

Friday, 31 July 2015

Dear Alice and Violet, 4 and a bit, and nearly 2!

Right my little princesses - so of course it's been about 4 months since my last blog (must make more of an effort!), so what's new with you?!


Violet you are still an absolute delight!

You are still an incredible eater and pretty regularly eat adult portions of whatever we give you. Considering how Alice can survive on bread and air, you just cannot eat enough! One of the few words you can say with regularity is "more pleeeeeeeeez".


You are starting to speak much more, but you're still not super bothered. I know you can say quite a lot but you're quite happy just to watch and take it in! Either that or you can't fit in a word edgeways with Alice yabbering on! You can count to 10 (ish) and you like to sing twinkle twinkle and hickory dickory dock. You're favourite word is "no" which you say to anything that doesn't involve food or the park.

You like to dance, as long as dance means run round in concentric circles till you fall over dizzy. You like to do this while holding the pink ukelele and singing to yourself!


The house is constantly full of your giggles, and you think Alice is the funniest person in the entire history of the world.

You find it impossible to walk anywhere, and bolt everywhere at amillion miles an hour, normally falling on route. Then you giggle, dust yourself off and run in the opposite direction.

We've recently been camping for the first time, and a few weeks before that we went to Center Parcs. You were an absolute gem for both - you just love being outside and playing and running free. At camping you spent the whole weekend running naked round a field; chasing butterflies, eating apples and getting mucky. You came back covered in a layer of river water, suncream and grass - and I've never seen you happier!

The tantrums have started properly. You don't like being told no, or not being fed constantly. We're working on it!


Alice Palice, my absolute favourite person in the world - you are getting so big and so clever!

You are forever making me laugh and telling me jokes and stories. You are incredibly creative and there are absolutely 0 flies on you. You have a rhyming pocket, where you put any rhyming words throughout the day. I mentioned this at parents evening thinking this was a school thing - nope. You just made it up!

At parents evening I was so pleased to hear about how well you've done this year. You've come on so much - you write really clearly now and can recognise all the letters / numbers up to 100 (I particularly like tooty two - 22). You draw beautifully when you don't get distracted, and love drawing rainbows and cats with 10 legs.



We've had a few issues at home with your behaviour, but it was relieving to hear that it completely isn't an issue at school. In hindsight I think you were probably just tired and you've been much better for the past few weeks.

At the moment you're completely torn - you love and dote on your sister more than anything in the world, but you are getting increasingly frustrated that she wants to touch all your things and play with you constantly - "Mummy why has she ruined my magnificent tower????", but you also can't be without her for longer than 5 minutes. She cries if you leave anywhere without her, and you just aren't the same without each other.


You still get up at 5.30 most days (urhhhhhh) with runs of 6.30 occasionally. This is just how you are! You've asked to share a room with Violet and are absolutely desperate too - I think maybe we'll do this next year. (Opinions anyone? Bad idea??)

You loved Center Parcs and camping too, with a few melt downs due to tiredness! You just go go go and go, then somehow reach a screaming stop when you're broken and I've ordered pizza because you wanted pizza but turns out you meant fishfingers. Ce la vie.



I am incredibly proud of both of you, and happy with what lovely little girls you're becoming, but sad you're no longer my little babies. I miss the little snuggles and tiny baby feet and cuddles and kisses and soft cheeks! What a lucky person I am x

With love and light xo