Honesty

I've been debating whether or not to post this as today's picture for project 365 or just find one from another day and pretend I took it on this day and that everything is totally fine. But the reality is, sometimes everything isn't totally fine. 

Everyone wants to look at the rose tinted, instagram filtered view of parenting; whereby all the children are playing happily and even if they're having a tantrum it's totally fine and funny because children are hilarious and look they're crying because the breadstick broke. 

But sometimes it's not fine and it's not funny and everything isn't okay. And that's not because of that one moment or one second or one day - it's because it's completely relentless and there is no break and no gap and no space and no stopping. No let up, no pause on the cycle of constantly balancing and walking on the knife edge. 

Sometimes your kids cry and scream so much they make themselves sick and you just don't know how to make it better. Sometimes you have literally no idea what you're doing or how to stop the situation and you just feel woefully unprepared and incapable. And when all 3 decide that it's the perfect time to start, sometimes you wonder how on earth you ever thought you were a good enough parent to manage this and surely the kids would be better off with someone better.

It's not that you don't love your children more than anything. It's that you have absolutely no idea what you are doing and you're trying your best but it's just in no way good enough and everyone has an opinion but no one can fix it for you and you have no idea whether or not you're doing a good job but you would literally move mountains for those children. 

So - some days are like today. Where you're sat in a bath so hot it makes you feel a bit sick in the hopes that when you get out everything will feel a bit better, and you'll have the mental and physical energy to wake up every hour and do it all again tomorrow and try to not fuck it up. And just cross your fingers and hope that you're doing anywhere near enough. Because you haven't got any more left to give. 

We are now a 5! I have been trying to find time to write everything down and obviously forgotten that time is a limited quantity in the school holidays with a new born. I can't seem to find 5 minutes to shower let alone write an eloquent and appropriate description of our life and a birth; but I suppose we've got to start somewhere.

Also apologies if this makes little to no sense, I've written this over the period of over a month during the small periods of time I can snatch here and there so there may be little continuity.

Our smallest little person was born a few hours after my last post where I was having a rough time. I felt absolutely rotten all afternoon after having a fourth sweep and just felt awful. I wasn't contracting or having any sort of useful pain, I just felt like absolute rubbish. Stomach ace, sickness, heavy limbs and just a general feeling of malaise.

We had plans to have friends over for chilli (sorry guys!) but I cancelled 5 minutes before because the idea of seeing people and having to pretend to be social and nice just made me feel horrid. I paced the garden a bit, I tried to tidy the house, I just couldn't settle anywhere. I was feeling incredibly down and rubbish - in hindsight things were probably starting to move but I didn't know this at the time! I had some quick food, and gave up for the day telling Mitch I'd see him in the morning when I'd still be pregnant.

Around 9pm I tried to go up to bed, but just couldn't settle and tossed and turned while Mitch was downstairs. I pottered round our room a bit but just read and tried to get to sleep, till 10pm when I sat upright in bed and felt a trickle. I hobbled to the bathroom and made sure I definitely wasn't imagining things / had wet myself and came downstairs to tell Mitch not to worry / rush but my waters had started to go.

10.15 - Mitch practically forced me to call the labour ward, as I was just going to head back to bed and try and get some more sleep. I gave them a quick call and felt really silly - "Hi, I'm not in labour but it's my third baby and my waters have started and I'll call you back later". I was incredibly glad I'd called them then!

I started to get a few pains around 10.30pm, coming every 2-3 minutes, lasting 30-45 seconds ish. I think I gave my mum a heads up and mentioned things were starting but no rush? I can't remember. Mitch also insisted on starting to set up the room / fill the pool, again despite my insistence things were going to be hours and it was going to be a waste.

10.45pm - pains still coming every 2-3 minutes. Hurting and having to stop and breathe through and focus. Gave the hospital a call to tell them to please send someone soon. They told me they'd sent someone out following my first call (so glad of this!) and they should be there in the next 30 minutes as they were coming from Hucknall.

11.00/11.15 ish - still every 2 minutes. The pool was still filling and I was getting quite frustrated it wasn't filling quickly enough and I remember doing quite a lot of pacing and breathing and holding on to the pillars. The midwife arrived and checked me and baby over in between contractions, all was okay. I had to decide if I wanted her to check how far along I was, and I was terrified she was going to check and I'd be 3cm still and have hours left to go. I was 5cm dilated - not the worst but not great. At this point I'm thinking I'm in for a long night but try not to take it to heart and jump back up, as contractions on my back / lying down were the worst.

During each contraction I'm trying to focus on breathing, swaying, and keeping my fingers and face nice and relaxed. They seem to be coming very quickly and strongly, so I decide to jump in the pool while it's still filling just to see if it helps - I figure if it slows the labour down so be it, but at least it will give me some pain relief. I think around 11.30 I jump in the water and immediately feel more supported, calmer, and much more focused and in control. I can breathe through each contraction and move around more freely - the SPD was really stopping me from getting "comfortable" before, whereas in the water I could listen to my body.

11.45 I think the second midwife arrives and I struggle to even acknowledge her arrival as I pretty much tell them I'm pushing and the baby is coming. I remember this being the most intense / painful pushing stage of any labour I've had. I know it was super quick but I just remember feeling like I was  being pulled apart by horses and asking for gas an air to be reminded it was a little too late for such things! She arrived into the pool at 11.57, in my lovely calm house surrounded by people who loved her!

I love home birth. I jumped out after and had pop and toast on my sofa while everyone busied themselves doing all the bits they needed to and I got into my comfy lovely bed to snuggle up with everyone. I felt empowered, strong and calm through the whole situation because I knew I was in my safe happy place and I was free to move and do as I pleased!

Although this was the most painful labour (despite being the shortest!), the difference between pre-labour with the SPD and a few days later was just incredible, and now I am 100%. I literally cannot believe how quickly it changed and I'm so glad to be feeling physically back to normal as I thought there was no way I'd ever be the same again!

She is now 7 weeks and it's all been a bit mental. She was born on the first day of the school holidays which basically meant I got 2 days to get my shit together then we had to hit the ground running! She has been carted to Wheelgate, Center Parcs, pretty much every park near us, and here there and everywhere. The 6 weeks holiday was pretty exhausting for us all but I consider myself pretty lucky to have been able to do so much. I'll sleep when I'm dead right?

I can't decide who she is yet - she's not a Violet and not an Alice and she seems pretty in the middle so far. She doesn't scream and scream like Alice did, but she's definitely not as chill as V. I guess she's a little Meredith and she needs to decide for herself. She looks like neither of them and she has beautiful golden curls. I can't imagine a time when she wasn't in our lives.

With love and light xo

40+11 - Homebirth / Induction

Having a bit of a wobble today. I thought I might go overdue, and I thought I might even make it to 10 days like Violet, but I'm sort of in unchartered territory for myself now.

Woke up at 3am checking and rechecking all my facts with regards to NICE Guidlelines for induction, AIMS, research on pros and cons of induction and just generally the next steps moving forwards. I've agreed to go in and have the baby monitored tomorrow for half an hour at +12 days, then we will take it from there. I'm guessing they're going to suggest induction at +14 days and I'm going to push for monitoring again, and we will take it from there.

It's in no way that I don't want this baby out (dear God do I want this baby out right now!), but at the moment for me the risks of induction far outweigh any risks of keeping the baby in. Baby is currently happy, heart beat fine, moving fine etc. Obviously if anything weren't right I would reconsider, but research has shown that induction leads to intervention in 2/3 of births. Something like 1/5 of inductions end in caesarian and that's just not a route I can go down with the 2 other kids at home to look after!

So at the moment I'm happy to delay induction till at least 15 days over - where I wobble is homebirth at +15. At the moment I'm kind of thinking that that's a bridge we will just have to cross and evaluate when we get there. No point worrying about that just yet!

I've been trying so hard to be super positive and take a very much "baby will come when she's ready" approach, but today I just hurt and I'm tired and I'm sore from yet another sweep (Sweep number 4. Ouch.) and I just feel like this is never going to happen. Realistically I know that's not the case but I'm just so uncomfortable and fed up of being on edge all the time reading into each little twinge and trying to decide if they mean anything.

Saturday after sweep number 3 I started having regular tightenings / pains around 3ish and they carried on and off until 7/8. Every 10 mins like clockwork. We sent the kids for a sleepover and I honestly thought things were happening but was trying not to get excited. Nothing! Every night I get contractions it seems, and they just fizzle out to nothing. I've had this on and off for weeks and I'm a bit worried I'm not going to recognise the real thing till late. Realistically I know that won't happen, but it does add a bit of a "fun" element to arranging childcare / filling pool etc.

We have a birth pool inflated in our dining room and I've given up putting it up and down! It is currently just a design feature of our house. I found I can't sleep without it up as I constantly dream of going into labour and not having anything ready.

Trying to make sure the house is always clean, tidy and birth ready is a bit of a pain in the arse too. I mean we don't exactly live in squalor normally but I'm so done with trying to live in a show room! Especially when pretty much everything hurts right now.

Right - moan done! I need to suck it up and crack on. Baby will be here soon and I am incredibly lucky to be in this position. Everyone is healthy and this time next week I would assume we will have a baby. Onwards and upwards!

With love and light xo

40+1

Only writing this stuff down so I don't forget it - may be TMI so don't read if you don't like gross stuff. After 2 kids I have lost my grossness filter so soz! That maybe means don't read if you don't like  to hear anything about vaginas or the word cervix makes you feel a bit sick in your mouth.

Okay - yesterday was due date. Obviously I'm no medical professional but baby is still on the inside as opposed to the outside. This is the opposite side to what we're currently aiming for apparently. And this is the thing with babies - they kind of come when they're ready rather than when we're ready for them!

We're pretty much ready at home - anything that isn't done by now isn't going to get done. There's still some painting and stuff to sort from the downstairs remodel thing but I think anything that isn't finished now will be added to the list of things that will never get done. It's a long list.

Tuesday I had a scan as my bump had measured static for growth for a few weeks, after measuring 3/4 weeks ahead the whole way through. I was totally fine about this, until I woke up about 2am freaking out that I hadn't even thought about it and what if they decided to keep me in and deliver the baby that day. Much to everyone else's chagrin I'd not really got a hospital bag so I shoved some stuff in a carrier bag and called it quits.

Thankfully all was fine and baby measuring great. Violet was disappointed because she couldn't really see the baby so she got mostly bored of the scan. According to their measurements baby was weighing around 7lb 4oz but that's like trying to tell how much someone weighs by looking at their hat. I am still thinking over 9lb.

(TMI bit) - Yesterday had a sweep at the midwife - 1.5/2cm dilated and cervix moving down. All good things but mean not a lot really! Started to regret having it last night as as soon as I was putting kids to bed had a bit of a melt down.

Completely exhausted from the past few weeks where Violet has been ill constantly - sick / vomiting most days and we've just been a bit here there and everywhere. She's been absolutely foul and Alice has been feeding off that and we've just had 3 weeks of cleaning up sick and very little sleep. I've been waking up at 3am after about 3/4 hours fitful sleep and then we've had hospitals and doctors and appointments coming out our eyes. However - I'm going to regret writing this - as of the past few days I feel like we're hopefully moving onwards and upwards. No sickness these past few days and she's started tentatively eating bits again and being a bit more chirpy.

So add the worry of that to the sweep yesterday, then I spent all evening in pain but not a good contraction-y pain just an all over ache, and I broke. The girls were acting up at bed time due to a culmination of chosing the same book and me attempting to suggest Alice needed her toes cutting, until Mitch found me crying in their room with both of them trying to fit on the rocking chair with me. Happy times!

Buttttt, last night I managed to stay asleep until sunrise after a lovely massage. Pain stopped this morning. (TMI) Lost plug this morning which is a good thing but also can completely mean nothing at all! I've had a bit of a walk round this morning and currently writing this bouncing on the ball after mopping floors and making flapjack just incase. Today would be a good day for a baby!

With love and light xo

36+4 - Best thing to do when pregnant? Remodel your house.

Haven't updated for a while because it's all been a bit mental here!

This all began around 6 months ago when we talked about the possibility of getting a log burner. We've been thinking about it for a few years but I was adamant that in the small living room it would be stifling and pointless. Since Christmas this kind of progressed into knocking out a wall to make our dining room / kitchen merge, as the dining room before was a bit of a dead space.

To me, it's really important we have a table to sit and eat as a family as regularly as possible. In my head it's a time to sit around and talk about our days and have family time - although at the moment it's normally a bit of a battle ground between us vs. children. Still - perseverance is key and I'm adamant it's going to pay off! But other than that the dining room was basically just a corridor between the kitchen and living room.

This evolved into the idea of also having double doors into the garden so the kids can run round safely while I can still see them and do a few bits in the house. Especially with us having the baby so I'm going to be a little torn between the 3 of them.

Before -

 

The only time my brother could book us in was the past 2 weeks, or when the baby came. We decided the disruption was far better off in pregnancy than with a newborn, so that's what we did! We still have stuff left to do - painting the fresh plaster and putting up shelves / storage etc., but we are mostly done now. I'd like to say I've been super chilled and relaxed about the whole affair, but that would be a complete lie. I have cried and sulked and not slept and generally been a bit rubbish - but I can honestly say now it's coming together it was totally worth it.

During -

 

The house is more open, and there's so much more light. The kids have more room to play and run round, and they can go in the garden safely. We swapped the living room / dining room round so we sit so much further back from the road. It's just lovely and I'm so glad we did it. By we I mean all the other people while I've mostly just sat around and cried.

After - ish!

 

One thing we didn't anticipate which has made things a bit trickier is my SPD. I'm not going to dwell on it too much as I don't want to be negative, but it's rubbish. I can't really sleep; my walking speed is that of an injured snail; and I can't do lots of the things I feel I should be able to. It hurts and it's frustrating and I just want to be able to do everything and I can't.

I've had to finish work earlier than I'd planned to, as I was just coming home every evening unable to climb the stairs without crying; or having to work myself up to getting out the car as it hurt too much. I'm still struggling, but at home at least I'm able to get in more supportive positions, and I'm trying to lie down every day when Violet naps for an hour. I feel like I'm the least fun mum in the world at the moment, and I can't be who the girls deserve, and that sucks the most. But - not forever hopefully! Onwards and forwards - people have it much worse than I do.

Baby wise - I am 37 weeks on Thursday. I am not at all sorted. Everything has been so house focused but I'm hoping this is going to start to wind down this week and I can start sorting baby things! To be fair, we have bought most of the things; they're just in a massive pile in the cot and I'd like to have a sort out.

This week I need to get the birth pool out and inflate and check for punctures etc. I need to get a few more home birth bits and just get everything together. I think the idea of it all is a bit abstract at the moment - I'm hoping when I've sorted through those bits I start to feel a bit more prepared and focused and I can shift some mental energy onto the fact we will have another baby soon, as even typing that sentence out feels a little bit strange!

Alice has predicted the 1st July and completely refuses to deviate from this date. She was having a conversation with the baby earlier via my belly button, and apparently the baby was saying she is definitely coming on the 1st July and she is going to buy Alice a present. The girls also decided between them that the baby needs a birthday cake when she is born, but they will eat it for her.

The midwife is coming to the house on Wednesday to go through birth plan / home birth stuff. I was stressing about the plaster on the walls but I've decided she must have seen worse!

Alice is ridiculously excited and keeps talking about it. Violet has very much decided to ignore it, but either coincidentally or not has definitely started the "terrible twos" complete with shouting, tantrums and foot stamping this past few weeks. It's going to be a big transition for everyone and I'm just hoping we all make it through the other side!

We have had a few weeks nappy free though - potty trained Violet day and night! I can take 0 credit for it - we've been trying on and off for months and getting nowhere, and I thought I'd give it a proper go over half term. She just decided that the potty was now acceptable and just did it, and then refused to wear nappies at night either! So for this brief few weeks I am nappy free for the first time in 5 years!

Sorry this has been quite long and dull - basically there's nothing to report other than I crazily decided to rip my house apart at 8 months pregnant and I am the size of a small house! Hoping for a more restful few weeks before baby decides to make an arrival!

With love and light xo

SPD

Okay so I'm feeling more than a little embarrassed and anxious - so I'm putting this all out here. I find it far easier to write things down than I do to talk about them and it will hopefully help me feel a little more confident / less silly.

So, during this pregnancy I have SPD / PGP which I've blogged a little about before. There's loads you can read about it so I won't go through all of it, but its basically all centred round your pelvis giving up somewhat and becoming unstable - affecting your hips / back / pelvis / kind of everywhere a bit. Some days it's totally fine and I am almost pain free. Some days not so much.

I've been going to the physio every few weeks for a little while and they have been really brilliant. We are so lucky to have such an ace NHS! We have been working on exercises and supports to improve the stability and it's been going really well for the most part.

Sometimes I am totally fine and sometimes I'm not. I'm working really hard to be fine more times than not, but sometimes I'm failing.

So I've had a run of a couple of good-ish weeks, with a few bad points. Totally fine and completely manageable. Until it wasn't again. I was booked in for physio yesterday anyway so I hobbled my way there, and had a little cry on the poor lady. I do not cry. It was embarrassing. I do not like not being in control.

Long story short - I have crutches right now. Along with another support belt to wear on top of the other one I've been wearing for a while under my clothes. This is the bit I'm struggling with - I can deal with it when it's not visible. When it's only visible to me I can get through work, then come home and have a cry and go to bed at 8pm.

I do not like the crutches. They make me feel self conscious; over dramatic and vulnerable. They make me feel like I am ill, when I don't feel sick, I'm just a bit broken in parts right now / today. They also make me feel like next week, when I'm hopefully going to be totally fine, people will think I'm being ridiculous.

I really struggled getting out the car with crutches this morning at school drop off. Not physically (although that wasn't great!) but emotionally psyching myself up to answering questions and being visible as someone who is struggling today. I am not good at being someone who is struggling. I am good at being someone who has their shit together. The thought of using them at work on Thursday makes me want to be sick, but maybe that won't be the case and I won't even need them on Thursday. Hopefully.

So I'm writing this to hopefully help me feel a little more in control! Yes I have crutches right now. I am super hopeful that I will get rid again in a few days, and be chasing round after the kids as normal. I am also paranoid that when that happens, everyone will be talking about me behind my back and how I didn't even need them to start off with. I feel like a fraud and an idiot, and that's whats making me feel so anxious.

But, I need the supports right now. Both the physical ones I've been given, and the support of all you lovely lot. I hopefully won't need the former for much longer.

xxx

Dear Violet - 2 and half

Dear Violet

You are just over 2 and a half.

I just spent a while looking through Alice’s entries for the same age- and you guys are just so different. I guess by now Alice already had a baby sister, so was going through a lot of change and upheaval, but you are just the chillest little person in the entire world. Your personalities have always been different, but you completely complement each other. You spend your whole time just going with the flow, and as long as you have food you’re happy.

You have the cheekiest face, and you like to point out to everyone that you're a little monkey! You jump from chair to chair, or climb into the window ledges, or roll off the coffee table pretty much constantly. You never sit still for long, and you just like to run round in circles. You scream “chase me chase me” and then pretend to cry till Alice rescues you from your capture.

You like doing anything that Alice is doing, but get bored a lot quicker. Your colouring is getting much better – you can choose which part of the picture you want which colour and love asking me to pick the colours out for you. You know all the colours now, and can count to 20-ish although sometimes have a bit of a wander off in the middle.

You completely dote on Mitch. Whereas Alice will always snuggle up to me and give me cuddles, your kisses are pretty much entirely reserved for daddy unless I have a biscuit to swap for them. You love fighting and tickling and playing rough with daddy, but that just means when I do occasionally get some kisses they are extra special.

It’s hard for me to separate you from Alice when I think about you - you’re so tangled up together and you share a room, clothes (not on purpose but you just help yourself to Alice’s a lot of the time), toys and books. You completely dote on your big sister and no one makes you happier than she does. Apart from when you hate each other and hit each other. But most of the time you’re pretty ace together.

We’ve been going to the hospital with your eyes regularly, and we’ve just started patching to hopefully correct the weaker eye. You weren't a huge fan but you’re kind of getting used to it now. You call it your pirate patch and as long as you’re distracted we can normally get the 2 hours a day in somewhere.

You still love food - especially meat. Your favourites are bacon, ham and sausage. We always joke that between you and Alice you can eat a whole meal but it’s completely true – on a Sunday dinner Alice will eat veg and yorkshires and you will eat meat and maybe mash when the meat stops coming. You cannot be talked to when we’re at the table as you’re too busy eating, and it’s such a contrast to the constant mealtime battle we used to have with Alice!

  

When you’re at home you've still been napping, although that’s kind of gone off course a little over the past few weeks while weave been on holiday. I love your nap - please continue napping till your like 30. Everyone loves a nap right?

Weave been attempting potty training every few weeks, and other than a few successes you aren't a fan. You generally just scream and cry and refuse to even entertain the idea. I don’t want to force you and make it traumatic for everyone, so we’ll keep pushing through and hopefully get there soon.

You had the best time ever on holiday. I didn't know if it would be too loud or too much for you, but you just couldn't get enough of the discos every night. You played musical bumps, entered all the competitions, sang (a bit) in the talent show, and just loved it. I think by the end of the week Alice was getting tired, but you could have kept on going for another week. All the bigger girls completely fell in love with you and were fighting over who could look after you every evening, and you obviously completely lapped up all the attention!

You’re not super sure about this baby lark. You talk to the baby a bit like Alice does, but I’m not sure how much you get it. But I’m sure you will approach it with your happy smile, cheeky face, and probably draw a moustache on her and deny it.

Love you pudding!

With love and light xo

Dear Alice - 5!

Dear Alice

Tomorrow you will be 5.

I never really thought we would get this far. I mean, I guess I knew that you reaching the age of 5 was going to happen eventually, but I could just only picture it in some sort of abstract sense, like one day I will be able to go for a wee without an audience. But when you were born, and when you were my tiny Alice, I could never quite picture that one day you would be this incredible little person with opinions and a sense of humour and emotions and feelings.

5 is my favourite. Even though you’re not quite 5 yet I’ve decided already that I want to stop you exactly where you are now and not let you get any bigger. I told you this last night, and you rolled your eyes at me and told me that if I did that you wouldn’t get a birthday cake next year and that wasn’t okay. I tried to reason that I’d just buy you a cake and you could stay 5 but your exact phrase was - “Mummy. Don’t be silly. I will keep growing for the next hundred years and then I will be older than you but I will still give you kisses.”

You are just so big now. Physically and mentally, you just seem so grown up this past few months. I don’t know if it’s being pregnant, or seeing Violet grow up, or something else - but you just seem so huge to me. You’re all legs and arms and you’re not quite sure what to do with them. All your trousers fall down because you’re just so long! You are sometimes dainty and graceful, and sometimes you look like you’re not quite sure where your legs end.

We just switched all your clothes over and it has been such a faff! You have such a specific idea about what you want to wear and what you are never going to wear ever. It just isn’t worth the battle with you, so I order loads online and let you pick what you want / send the rest back. You then insist on picking your outfits every morning, which often ends with us going to Tesco with you in a tutu and wellies. I quite like it though – I like that you have a sense of independence and an opinion, so I can’t moan too much. Also girls clothes shopping is fun.

You have just come on so so much at school. Last term you won a merit prize for getting the most merits that term, and your prize was watching a film and having sweets and hot dogs with the head teacher. I had no idea you were even getting merits at school - so it’s always nice to know you’re doing well! I get literally no information from you about what goes on at school, but it’s obviously done you the world of good. You have come on so much with sharing, kindness, patience and empathy; alongside all the academic stuff as well. The academic stuff is ace, but I’m the most proud when you tell me you got merits for being supportive, or taking another student and trying to cheer them up.

 

You are absolutely flying through reading. Considering 6 months ago you could sound out basic words, you can now read pretty much anything. You sound anything out you aren’t sure of, but will quite happily sit and read Violet a book now. Because of your reading, it seems to have opened up this whole new world to you, of questions to ask and answers to find out. “Mummy – Why does that sign say drive carefully? Why does the TV say signal input required? What’s a speed limit?” I love how inquisitive you are. I need to remind myself that when I’m explaining road signs at 7am!

You can count to 100 and beyond, and love learning how to add up and take away. However it does mean I can no longer trick you with the number of mini eggs I have eaten.

Your personality has just grown and changed and you are growing and changing every day with all this confidence and kindness. We just came back from holiday, where you signed yourself up for a talent show telling jokes. You wouldn’t tell me the joke beforehand which was slightly disconcerting but you were ace. You danced and played games, and your favourite part of the holiday was the 2p machines apparently. You won some key rings which you shared with Violet, and most of the time you show nothing but kindness and empathy.

You can be a bit of a sensitive soul / mardy grump depending on whether you ask me or Mitch. Things upset you easily, and you can’t handle what you deem as not fair. Lots of things aren’t fair unfortunately, and I find myself repeating the standard parenting response - "Life’s not fair”. You can take a bit of coaxing and calming down over some things, and you get anxious and worried about things. Given the choice, you would stay at home with me all day every day.

You write little sentences and stories round the house, which don’t have any spaces in so generally need reading phonetically and the gaps need putting in to make sense. You sneak love notes into you boyfriends (boyfriend, I know!) bag and if I leave a shopping list around the house you will always add a few items. Normally cake.

You are incredibly kind and beautiful inside and out - you are hard work but you are my favourite Alice in the world.

With love and light xo

26+5 - Pregnancy Update

Baby update time I suppose! 26+5 today, or around 6 months pregnant-ish as I’ve taken to telling people. I am massive. People feel the need to stop me in the supermarket and ask me if I’m due in the next few weeks or to see how many babies I’m going to have in this litter. This makes me feel so great about myself! In all seriousness though I’m massive. I’ve gained ridiculous amounts of weight, and although I feel incredibly blessed to have a healthy, lovely third baby growing, I do feel a bit like a whale already.

This is completely unfeminist / a bit gross of me, but I’ve already started to be anxious about how I’m going to look after. I feel like I managed to get to where I wanted to be health and body wise after 2, but 3 is completely pushing it right? I know all the things I’m supposed to say – 9 months on, nice months off etc. Andddd I’d rather have a ruined body and 3 beautiful girls. But, can I not just ask for both? And also to be able to eat all the biscuits all the time?

SPD wise – much of a muchness! I’ve been to physio a few times and got lots of exercises, support bands and things to do / not to do etc. I’m good at the exercises, but not good at following the “don’t do these things” advice apparently. Mitch assures me I’m a rubbish patient, but I just get anxious if things aren’t clean or sorted or organised. We did a big blitz on the house and garden at the weekend, with loads left to do but at least we’ve made a start. I need to start clearing the loft out and sorting out what we have / haven’t got. In short, hurting is rubbish and I’ve become super boring going to bed at 8pm every night with painkillers and a hot water bottle. Still, I’ve caught up on Grey’s Anatomy so lets look at the positives here!

I’ve started buying a few bits as I feel incredibly unorganised, and I need to clear out a drawer or 2 to shove the baby clothes in. I’ve started at least trying to round up the baby paraphernalia from it’s various places around the house and check what I need and make a list. A list always makes me feel better – it focuses my mind and I like putting ticks on things. I always add things to the list that I’ve already done so I can feel semi productive.

After much debate we bought a second hand double pushchair for the school run / longer journeys. Although Violet is more than capable of walking distances, it just depends if she decides that she wants to or not or if she just runs in random directions. We bought an Oyster Max, and I've just ordered a second hand carrycot for it too. The other pushchair is still ace so we'll probably keep that for when we want a single but nice to have the option.

Baby wise – there’s not much to tell! She is kicking up a storm which is always lovely, until the end when it’s not. We have reached the point where Mitch can no longer touch my stomach as it reminds him of the scene from Alien and makes him feel a bit sick. Alice loves touching the baby and singing songs to her, and she thinks my belly button is some sort of microphone extending into my uterus. I haven’t discouraged this belief.

She keeps telling me all the nice things she’s going to do with the baby, and how excited she is. She tells me that when the baby cries it means she is hungry and I must feed her and not to worry about Violet (or Vi as Alice calls her) as they will read books together on the sofa. Alice says we must make room in the bath for the baby and make sure she’s wrapped up lovely and warm when they get out the bath, unless the baby poos in which case everyone must jump out quickly. I’m not naïve enough to think that Alice will feel the same when baby is here, but it’s so lovely to have my big girl to share this all with.

Violet is mostly indifferent. I think she’s slightly concerned the baby will steal her dinner.

Alice would like to call the baby Rainbow Heart, and we’ve had a few little chats about how Rainbow is a lovely name but not quite for us. She has now compromised on the first name, but is adamant that Heart is a perfectly acceptable middle name.

 

Both girls are in agreement with the name we’ve chosen, and like to sing to her and talk to her. They both like looking at baby toys and clothes and would quite happily spend a small fortune on tiny things that are pink. Only pink though – if I suggest something else they both act completely outraged that I would ever consider placing a girl in something else.

This pregnancy is going incredibly fast. Honestly, if I could pause it and just soak up another year of being pregnant and spending time with my big girls then I would. But, I know we planned this gap for a reason. The girls are just absolute best friends now and just play together so beautifully. They make my life easier in that they like similar things; watch the same films; want to go to the same places. I know much bigger of a gap wouldn’t have worked for us, but at the same time I just want to soak up all the time I can with my favourite 2 people in the world.

In the same breath, I’m also incredibly excited to meet the next little piece to our puzzle, and see how they fit in to our already mental life. I’m looking forward to tiny baby snuggles, milky breath, soft hair, finger squeezes and us all getting to know each other. I’m apprehensive about lots of things, but overwhelmingly just excited.

With love and light xo

22 Weeks Pregnant

Urgh. I haven't wanted to write as I haven't wanted to moan. I like to be able to fill this space with sunshine and happiness and magical children. But that's not really where we're at right now.

As always, magical preface to say I know how lucky I am. I get it. We're lucky. I really honestly do. But, I'm struggling a little at the moment.

I'm hurting and sore and as a consequence not sleeping. It's been getting worse, until I went to the doctors a few weeks ago after I had a really bad week.

The GP has diagnosed symphysis pubis dysfunction, or SPD. I'm hoping this isn't the case, and I'm pinning my hopes on it magically disappearing, but at the moment I think I'm being a bit ridiculous and need to be realistic.

I can walk and potter and do my normal bits and pieces, but by the afternoon I hurt. Not a little bit achey, like I could cry at my desk. I want to hobble home and go to bed. I've had a few days where it's been a lot worse and I've struggled. And I do not like struggling - I like being super pregnant woman and mowing lawns and running round and basically doing everything. And my body is currently saying no, and I'm finding that difficult.

I am mostly fine some days, but some days I'm in quite a lot of pain. I'm struggling with getting my head round this a bit, as it's difficult to realise it isn't going to go away and is most likely going to get worse.

I'm not good at asking for help, and I'm not good at taking it easy; so we'll see where this goes.

I have an appointment with the obstetric physiotherapist on Thursday to hopefully get a bit more advice and confirm what it is. In my head I'm terrified of 2 things - 1. It all being in my head and them basically telling me to suck it up and I'm being pathetic. Or 2. It being SPD and them basically confirming it's going to get worse until delivery. So we will see! Ideally option number 3 would be here - lets fix it. You're now totally fine - hurrah!

So - positive things. Nothing is wrong with the baby. I am healthy and fit a well and it's only pain. I am very lucky to be here anyway. Please remind me of all these things regularly.