Dear Alice - 13 Months

Dear Alice,

This month you were 13 months old! You are going to have to stop growing soon or I’ll have to keep you in a dark box. (DISCLAIMER - I’m not actually going to put you in a box. Please don’t call Childline)

You have been standing much more this month, although only when you don't realise. I was so sure that you'd be walking by now, as you've been cruising since Christmas, but you are lazy. I wonder which parent you get that off?

You are talking much more, although the majority of it is gibberish! We've just learnt "uh-oh", which you normally say like it's a question!

You take particular delight in throwing all your food onto the floor piece by piece, followed by the "uh-oh". You definitely do not take after your dad in this respect - he would never waste good food.

It has been beautifully sunny outside, so we've been able to get the paddling pool out and play outside loads. This has led to lots of picnics and parks and splashing and being naked. Obviously only you've been naked - we don't want to get arrested. You absolutely love the paddling pool, particularly getting in and out to make sure you get really muddy, and cake yourself in a kind of suntan lotion / manky water / mud and grass / yogurt paste. It really is delightful.

The cat and you are becoming firm friends, especially when you sit on the cat and stroke her head. She now tries to run away from you but you are quite fast, so she has resigned herself to a sticky cuddle and kiss occasionally.

You keep attempting to drown yourself in bath by lying face down and splashing like a frog. I've given up trying to stop you because it makes you so happy. You still smile at us with a big gummy grin as you have no teeth whatsoever!

Mummy and daddy are getting married in a few weeks, so you and Amelia are going to be beautiful flower girls! Please be good and if you could walk down the aisle that would be great.

You are starting to becoming mardy and throw tantrums. This is not great, as I thought I had a few months before this would happen. If you don't get exactly what you want, we have a complete meltdown,complete with stiff arms and legs and screaming. If you could avoid doing this on our wedding day that would also be great!

We love you more than anything in the world, and you are becoming more and more brilliant every day.

With love and light xo

1 Year Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is Alice’s birthday, so it has been an entire year she has been in our life. I’m trying to think back to how I felt / what I thought this time last year. I’ve been reading through a few blog entries, and looking through pictures to try and remember, but I can’t seem to capture it.

Obviously a mixture of scared and excited and nervous, but it just seems like a complete another life ago. I can’t capture my feelings there, because I almost see myself as another person. I’d say that I just can’t believe how much our lives have changed, but in reality, I can’t believe how much I have changed.

Sometimes I just can’t quite believe how incredibly lucky we are. Alice is a brilliant and beautiful little girl, who every day becomes more curious about the world surrounding her. I can’t wait to watch her grow and learn, and be there for her.

Yet part of me is more scared than I’ve ever been. I almost feel like this is where the real parenting starts. Before now, we’ve been pretty much concentrating on keeping her alive. How am I going to cope with tantrums and discipline? How am I going to teach her things I barely know? How can I help her grow, yet encourage her independence?

I want what every parent wants – a child who is happy and well loved. Yet I know I’m supposed to be her guide and her facilitator, but also her friend and her parent, and at times, her enemy. How are all these roles balanced? And when Alice eventually grows and develops into an adult – how do you sit back at the end of the day and feel confident that you did a good job?

I want so many things for her, and I’m terrified of failing. I know than in reality there is no outright failure, but that I am going to make bad decisions and make wrong choices. And obviously so will Alice. But it’s how we both deal with these failures that really makes the difference.

In reality – this thought terrifies me more than the idea of birth and having a baby. I now have a lovely little child, who I am responsible for. For me, it feels like parenting is only just beginning.

But, we’ve gotten through the first year! We have had an incredible year, and here’s to many more.

I really hope to be able to carry on blogging for a while - as for me it's quite cathartic both writing and re-reading some of these entries. Especially with another exciting year coming up, including my wedding in 64 days...!

With love and light xo