1 Year Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is Alice’s birthday, so it has been an entire year she has been in our life. I’m trying to think back to how I felt / what I thought this time last year. I’ve been reading through a few blog entries, and looking through pictures to try and remember, but I can’t seem to capture it.

Obviously a mixture of scared and excited and nervous, but it just seems like a complete another life ago. I can’t capture my feelings there, because I almost see myself as another person. I’d say that I just can’t believe how much our lives have changed, but in reality, I can’t believe how much I have changed.

Sometimes I just can’t quite believe how incredibly lucky we are. Alice is a brilliant and beautiful little girl, who every day becomes more curious about the world surrounding her. I can’t wait to watch her grow and learn, and be there for her.

Yet part of me is more scared than I’ve ever been. I almost feel like this is where the real parenting starts. Before now, we’ve been pretty much concentrating on keeping her alive. How am I going to cope with tantrums and discipline? How am I going to teach her things I barely know? How can I help her grow, yet encourage her independence?

I want what every parent wants – a child who is happy and well loved. Yet I know I’m supposed to be her guide and her facilitator, but also her friend and her parent, and at times, her enemy. How are all these roles balanced? And when Alice eventually grows and develops into an adult – how do you sit back at the end of the day and feel confident that you did a good job?

I want so many things for her, and I’m terrified of failing. I know than in reality there is no outright failure, but that I am going to make bad decisions and make wrong choices. And obviously so will Alice. But it’s how we both deal with these failures that really makes the difference.

In reality – this thought terrifies me more than the idea of birth and having a baby. I now have a lovely little child, who I am responsible for. For me, it feels like parenting is only just beginning.

But, we’ve gotten through the first year! We have had an incredible year, and here’s to many more.

I really hope to be able to carry on blogging for a while - as for me it's quite cathartic both writing and re-reading some of these entries. Especially with another exciting year coming up, including my wedding in 64 days...!

With love and light xo