Difficult

I've only updated 3 times this year. That is crazy! I used to write in here all the time, but I guess it all comes down to time and sleep. Both of which I'm always massively short on!

At the moment I just feel a little bit overwhelmed. I keep going back to Bilbo's quote - "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread." Like whatever I'm spending time on, everything else is being neglected.

There's tons of decorating and sorting I'd like to do round the house, but it's just literally impossible to consider with the kids at home. We could do it in the evenings, but by the time the kids are in bed and we're sitting down it's hard enough to muster the energy to get a drink and change the channel, let alone start a project.

Then there's cleaning and tidying etc. I try so hard to keep on top of everything and always feel like I'm coming up short. Like if only there were more hours in the day my house would be nicer.

Mainly it's the kidlets. At the moment I feel like no matter how much I give them it's not enough. That's not their fault, but Alice is so intense and full on right now, and she just needs you to be on the ball and playing from wake up till bed time, and sometimes life isn't like that. She's so incredibly clever, such a pleasure to be around some of time, but also incredibly difficult and challenging some of the time as she tries to figure herself out. We try and keep consistency, patience and fairness, but sometimes on little sleep it's hard to be the best mum. Then you just feel guilty for snapping, pledge to try harder, rinse and repeat!

I don't want to come across as moaning - I am so incredibly lucky and so happy to have my 2, but life is not easy right now and sometimes it helps to write things down.

Alice is just so incredibly driven, and fiercely independent and opinionated. All things I don't want to discourage, but all things so difficult to control. She has an angry tantrum streak at the moment that I'm trying my best with, but I think it just comes with the "intense" territory! I feel like however I approach it, it's not going to be right - I'll either be too firm or too soft. I care so much what other people think about my parenting, and I guess that's something I need to work on right now. I'm trying my best, I just worry it's not good enough sometimes.

She's just so clever - you can't sneak anything at all past her. She always knows what's going on, and it's difficult to keep her occupied for long. I'm hoping with time this will get easier, and I'm hoping when school / nursery starts that it'll make a difference. I think that's a big thing - she is so ready for nursery and has been for a while. If she'd been born a week earlier she'd have been attending since April, but at the moment she's starting September 10th. She is just so ready for an extra challenge and more intellectual stimulation I can't provide!

I think what's made everything a little overwhelming lately is my happy baby Violet currently isn't happy! I'm hoping it's teeth, but she is not my happy little grub. She's up frequently in the night, often for a while, she won't settle at bed time for hours (not fun when you are so ready to chill out!), and wants to be held all the time.

I think a lot of the anger I've seen in Alice this past few weeks is jealousy. Up until now, baby Violet was happy just lying in the same room as us while I played with Alice. But now Violet is up and crawling and standing and trying to walk, she wants to play with all the toys and play all the games, and Alice doesn't do sharing. So I guess this could be a good thing - everyone has to learn to share sometimes. And obviously I'm now split in 2, trying to make sure neither child injures themselves or each other!

So - Again, not moaning, I know this is what I signed myself up for and I love them more than anything. But tips? Advice? Suggestions? Please tell me I'm not the only one struggling to stay up past 8 and forever feeling like I've been dragged through a hedge??!

With love and light xo