Tuesday 26 April 2016

SPD

Okay so I'm feeling more than a little embarrassed and anxious - so I'm putting this all out here. I find it far easier to write things down than I do to talk about them and it will hopefully help me feel a little more confident / less silly.

So, during this pregnancy I have SPD / PGP which I've blogged a little about before. There's loads you can read about it so I won't go through all of it, but its basically all centred round your pelvis giving up somewhat and becoming unstable - affecting your hips / back / pelvis / kind of everywhere a bit. Some days it's totally fine and I am almost pain free. Some days not so much.

I've been going to the physio every few weeks for a little while and they have been really brilliant. We are so lucky to have such an ace NHS! We have been working on exercises and supports to improve the stability and it's been going really well for the most part.

Sometimes I am totally fine and sometimes I'm not. I'm working really hard to be fine more times than not, but sometimes I'm failing.

So I've had a run of a couple of good-ish weeks, with a few bad points. Totally fine and completely manageable. Until it wasn't again. I was booked in for physio yesterday anyway so I hobbled my way there, and had a little cry on the poor lady. I do not cry. It was embarrassing. I do not like not being in control.

Long story short - I have crutches right now. Along with another support belt to wear on top of the other one I've been wearing for a while under my clothes. This is the bit I'm struggling with - I can deal with it when it's not visible. When it's only visible to me I can get through work, then come home and have a cry and go to bed at 8pm.

I do not like the crutches. They make me feel self conscious; over dramatic and vulnerable. They make me feel like I am ill, when I don't feel sick, I'm just a bit broken in parts right now / today. They also make me feel like next week, when I'm hopefully going to be totally fine, people will think I'm being ridiculous.

I really struggled getting out the car with crutches this morning at school drop off. Not physically (although that wasn't great!) but emotionally psyching myself up to answering questions and being visible as someone who is struggling today. I am not good at being someone who is struggling. I am good at being someone who has their shit together. The thought of using them at work on Thursday makes me want to be sick, but maybe that won't be the case and I won't even need them on Thursday. Hopefully.

So I'm writing this to hopefully help me feel a little more in control! Yes I have crutches right now. I am super hopeful that I will get rid again in a few days, and be chasing round after the kids as normal. I am also paranoid that when that happens, everyone will be talking about me behind my back and how I didn't even need them to start off with. I feel like a fraud and an idiot, and that's whats making me feel so anxious.

But, I need the supports right now. Both the physical ones I've been given, and the support of all you lovely lot. I hopefully won't need the former for much longer.

xxx

Friday 15 April 2016

Dear Violet - 2 and half

Dear Violet

You are just over 2 and a half.

I just spent a while looking through Alice’s entries for the same age- and you guys are just so different. I guess by now Alice already had a baby sister, so was going through a lot of change and upheaval, but you are just the chillest little person in the entire world. Your personalities have always been different, but you completely complement each other. You spend your whole time just going with the flow, and as long as you have food you’re happy.

You have the cheekiest face, and you like to point out to everyone that you're a little monkey! You jump from chair to chair, or climb into the window ledges, or roll off the coffee table pretty much constantly. You never sit still for long, and you just like to run round in circles. You scream “chase me chase me” and then pretend to cry till Alice rescues you from your capture.


You like doing anything that Alice is doing, but get bored a lot quicker. Your colouring is getting much better – you can choose which part of the picture you want which colour and love asking me to pick the colours out for you. You know all the colours now, and can count to 20-ish although sometimes have a bit of a wander off in the middle.

You completely dote on Mitch. Whereas Alice will always snuggle up to me and give me cuddles, your kisses are pretty much entirely reserved for daddy unless I have a biscuit to swap for them. You love fighting and tickling and playing rough with daddy, but that just means when I do occasionally get some kisses they are extra special.

It’s hard for me to separate you from Alice when I think about you - you’re so tangled up together and you share a room, clothes (not on purpose but you just help yourself to Alice’s a lot of the time), toys and books. You completely dote on your big sister and no one makes you happier than she does. Apart from when you hate each other and hit each other. But most of the time you’re pretty ace together.


We’ve been going to the hospital with your eyes regularly, and we’ve just started patching to hopefully correct the weaker eye. You weren't a huge fan but you’re kind of getting used to it now. You call it your pirate patch and as long as you’re distracted we can normally get the 2 hours a day in somewhere.

You still love food - especially meat. Your favourites are bacon, ham and sausage. We always joke that between you and Alice you can eat a whole meal but it’s completely true – on a Sunday dinner Alice will eat veg and yorkshires and you will eat meat and maybe mash when the meat stops coming. You cannot be talked to when we’re at the table as you’re too busy eating, and it’s such a contrast to the constant mealtime battle we used to have with Alice!

  

When you’re at home you've still been napping, although that’s kind of gone off course a little over the past few weeks while weave been on holiday. I love your nap - please continue napping till your like 30. Everyone loves a nap right?

Weave been attempting potty training every few weeks, and other than a few successes you aren't a fan. You generally just scream and cry and refuse to even entertain the idea. I don’t want to force you and make it traumatic for everyone, so we’ll keep pushing through and hopefully get there soon.


You had the best time ever on holiday. I didn't know if it would be too loud or too much for you, but you just couldn't get enough of the discos every night. You played musical bumps, entered all the competitions, sang (a bit) in the talent show, and just loved it. I think by the end of the week Alice was getting tired, but you could have kept on going for another week. All the bigger girls completely fell in love with you and were fighting over who could look after you every evening, and you obviously completely lapped up all the attention!

You’re not super sure about this baby lark. You talk to the baby a bit like Alice does, but I’m not sure how much you get it. But I’m sure you will approach it with your happy smile, cheeky face, and probably draw a moustache on her and deny it.

Love you pudding!


With love and light xo

Wednesday 13 April 2016

Dear Alice - 5!


Dear Alice

Tomorrow you will be 5.

I never really thought we would get this far. I mean, I guess I knew that you reaching the age of 5 was going to happen eventually, but I could just only picture it in some sort of abstract sense, like one day I will be able to go for a wee without an audience. But when you were born, and when you were my tiny Alice, I could never quite picture that one day you would be this incredible little person with opinions and a sense of humour and emotions and feelings.

5 is my favourite. Even though you’re not quite 5 yet I’ve decided already that I want to stop you exactly where you are now and not let you get any bigger. I told you this last night, and you rolled your eyes at me and told me that if I did that you wouldn’t get a birthday cake next year and that wasn’t okay. I tried to reason that I’d just buy you a cake and you could stay 5 but your exact phrase was - “Mummy. Don’t be silly. I will keep growing for the next hundred years and then I will be older than you but I will still give you kisses.”


You are just so big now. Physically and mentally, you just seem so grown up this past few months. I don’t know if it’s being pregnant, or seeing Violet grow up, or something else - but you just seem so huge to me. You’re all legs and arms and you’re not quite sure what to do with them. All your trousers fall down because you’re just so long! You are sometimes dainty and graceful, and sometimes you look like you’re not quite sure where your legs end.

We just switched all your clothes over and it has been such a faff! You have such a specific idea about what you want to wear and what you are never going to wear ever. It just isn’t worth the battle with you, so I order loads online and let you pick what you want / send the rest back. You then insist on picking your outfits every morning, which often ends with us going to Tesco with you in a tutu and wellies. I quite like it though – I like that you have a sense of independence and an opinion, so I can’t moan too much. Also girls clothes shopping is fun.

You have just come on so so much at school. Last term you won a merit prize for getting the most merits that term, and your prize was watching a film and having sweets and hot dogs with the head teacher. I had no idea you were even getting merits at school - so it’s always nice to know you’re doing well! I get literally no information from you about what goes on at school, but it’s obviously done you the world of good. You have come on so much with sharing, kindness, patience and empathy; alongside all the academic stuff as well. The academic stuff is ace, but I’m the most proud when you tell me you got merits for being supportive, or taking another student and trying to cheer them up.

 

You are absolutely flying through reading. Considering 6 months ago you could sound out basic words, you can now read pretty much anything. You sound anything out you aren’t sure of, but will quite happily sit and read Violet a book now. Because of your reading, it seems to have opened up this whole new world to you, of questions to ask and answers to find out. “Mummy – Why does that sign say drive carefully? Why does the TV say signal input required? What’s a speed limit?” I love how inquisitive you are. I need to remind myself that when I’m explaining road signs at 7am!

You can count to 100 and beyond, and love learning how to add up and take away. However it does mean I can no longer trick you with the number of mini eggs I have eaten.

Your personality has just grown and changed and you are growing and changing every day with all this confidence and kindness. We just came back from holiday, where you signed yourself up for a talent show telling jokes. You wouldn’t tell me the joke beforehand which was slightly disconcerting but you were ace. You danced and played games, and your favourite part of the holiday was the 2p machines apparently. You won some key rings which you shared with Violet, and most of the time you show nothing but kindness and empathy.



You can be a bit of a sensitive soul / mardy grump depending on whether you ask me or Mitch. Things upset you easily, and you can’t handle what you deem as not fair. Lots of things aren’t fair unfortunately, and I find myself repeating the standard parenting response - "Life’s not fair”. You can take a bit of coaxing and calming down over some things, and you get anxious and worried about things. Given the choice, you would stay at home with me all day every day.

You write little sentences and stories round the house, which don’t have any spaces in so generally need reading phonetically and the gaps need putting in to make sense. You sneak love notes into you boyfriends (boyfriend, I know!) bag and if I leave a shopping list around the house you will always add a few items. Normally cake.

You are incredibly kind and beautiful inside and out - you are hard work but you are my favourite Alice in the world.

With love and light xo

Tuesday 12 April 2016

26+5 - Pregnancy Update


Baby update time I suppose! 26+5 today, or around 6 months pregnant-ish as I’ve taken to telling people. I am massive. People feel the need to stop me in the supermarket and ask me if I’m due in the next few weeks or to see how many babies I’m going to have in this litter. This makes me feel so great about myself! In all seriousness though I’m massive. I’ve gained ridiculous amounts of weight, and although I feel incredibly blessed to have a healthy, lovely third baby growing, I do feel a bit like a whale already.

This is completely unfeminist / a bit gross of me, but I’ve already started to be anxious about how I’m going to look after. I feel like I managed to get to where I wanted to be health and body wise after 2, but 3 is completely pushing it right? I know all the things I’m supposed to say – 9 months on, nice months off etc. Andddd I’d rather have a ruined body and 3 beautiful girls. But, can I not just ask for both? And also to be able to eat all the biscuits all the time?

SPD wise – much of a muchness! I’ve been to physio a few times and got lots of exercises, support bands and things to do / not to do etc. I’m good at the exercises, but not good at following the “don’t do these things” advice apparently. Mitch assures me I’m a rubbish patient, but I just get anxious if things aren’t clean or sorted or organised. We did a big blitz on the house and garden at the weekend, with loads left to do but at least we’ve made a start. I need to start clearing the loft out and sorting out what we have / haven’t got. In short, hurting is rubbish and I’ve become super boring going to bed at 8pm every night with painkillers and a hot water bottle. Still, I’ve caught up on Grey’s Anatomy so lets look at the positives here!


I’ve started buying a few bits as I feel incredibly unorganised, and I need to clear out a drawer or 2 to shove the baby clothes in. I’ve started at least trying to round up the baby paraphernalia from it’s various places around the house and check what I need and make a list. A list always makes me feel better – it focuses my mind and I like putting ticks on things. I always add things to the list that I’ve already done so I can feel semi productive.

After much debate we bought a second hand double pushchair for the school run / longer journeys. Although Violet is more than capable of walking distances, it just depends if she decides that she wants to or not or if she just runs in random directions. We bought an Oyster Max, and I've just ordered a second hand carrycot for it too. The other pushchair is still ace so we'll probably keep that for when we want a single but nice to have the option.

Baby wise – there’s not much to tell! She is kicking up a storm which is always lovely, until the end when it’s not. We have reached the point where Mitch can no longer touch my stomach as it reminds him of the scene from Alien and makes him feel a bit sick. Alice loves touching the baby and singing songs to her, and she thinks my belly button is some sort of microphone extending into my uterus. I haven’t discouraged this belief.

She keeps telling me all the nice things she’s going to do with the baby, and how excited she is. She tells me that when the baby cries it means she is hungry and I must feed her and not to worry about Violet (or Vi as Alice calls her) as they will read books together on the sofa. Alice says we must make room in the bath for the baby and make sure she’s wrapped up lovely and warm when they get out the bath, unless the baby poos in which case everyone must jump out quickly. I’m not naïve enough to think that Alice will feel the same when baby is here, but it’s so lovely to have my big girl to share this all with.

Violet is mostly indifferent. I think she’s slightly concerned the baby will steal her dinner.

Alice would like to call the baby Rainbow Heart, and we’ve had a few little chats about how Rainbow is a lovely name but not quite for us. She has now compromised on the first name, but is adamant that Heart is a perfectly acceptable middle name.

 

Both girls are in agreement with the name we’ve chosen, and like to sing to her and talk to her. They both like looking at baby toys and clothes and would quite happily spend a small fortune on tiny things that are pink. Only pink though – if I suggest something else they both act completely outraged that I would ever consider placing a girl in something else.

This pregnancy is going incredibly fast. Honestly, if I could pause it and just soak up another year of being pregnant and spending time with my big girls then I would. But, I know we planned this gap for a reason. The girls are just absolute best friends now and just play together so beautifully. They make my life easier in that they like similar things; watch the same films; want to go to the same places. I know much bigger of a gap wouldn’t have worked for us, but at the same time I just want to soak up all the time I can with my favourite 2 people in the world.

In the same breath, I’m also incredibly excited to meet the next little piece to our puzzle, and see how they fit in to our already mental life. I’m looking forward to tiny baby snuggles, milky breath, soft hair, finger squeezes and us all getting to know each other. I’m apprehensive about lots of things, but overwhelmingly just excited.

With love and light xo